I have never been good with change that is not part of my master plan. Oh, I have plans. I am known to most as an obsessive planner, running and re-running contingency plans, backups and what ifs, many times to my own detriment. So, when I plan or envision how I think something should turn out, it is very disappointing when these plans do not become a reality. It’s not really earth shattering if my weekend plans don’t work out but when you are envisioning a life for your children and things veer off into a danger zone, it can be devastating.
I had always hoped that my kids would graduate high school and I would get to see them accept their diploma in cap and gown. I always planned that I would help them financially at college or university so that they could have an amazing career and accomplish things I never did. I thought that teaching them the value of education by going back to school myself would give them a role-model to follow. I hoped that they would have inherited my love of learning and reading which might help them with pursuing their studies. But I didn’t count on some of my other characteristics being passed onto them that might get in the way of my hopes for them.
I am very independent and often challenge authority, traits that I realize I have passed onto my children – either genetically if possible or more likely, by them watching me. I am also very stubborn, often following a course of action that I set in anger or defiance. I see all these traits in my son and daughter; they are both head-strong, following their chosen course even though that course might end badly.
When my son left home over 4 years ago, I thought my heart would never mend. I took it personally that he left to pursue his dreams of becoming a musician. I was worried about the lifestyle of a musician, the rock star life filled with loose women, drugs and alcohol. My son turned down a path that I could not control; a path that was not in my carefully thought-out plans. And he struggled with little money, he took up habits that will take a powerful will to break and he got hurt and hurt others along the way. Our relationship suffered greatly during those 4 years, and I am to blame for my share how some of our conversations ended.
Now, my daughter has chosen to leave home to satisfy her own independent streak. She is months from high school graduation and has been accepted into a very difficult program at a local college. A program that accepts a few select students; it’s like winning the lottery really. I believe that she is rolling the dice with her future while I am sure she feels like she is trying to get some freedom. She wants to be on her own, making her own way through life. I still see her starting high school, in a brand new uniform, fresh faced getting on the bus. I worry that she is not ready for this change, not equipped to handle what life might throw at her. I wanted her to have a few more years in school, learning, growing and experiencing life without the pressures that living alone might bring. But since I don’t get to make her choices anymore, I have to accept the change in our lives and hope for the best.
I have to stop trying to force her to live the way I want her to, and learn to accept the life that she wants to live. It might mean struggle and some heart ache, but it will also be a lesson learned about which choices to make. As difficult as it is to set her free (and I don’t think that I was caging her), she is clear about what she wants and who she wants to be with. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my daughter that I did with my son. I don’t want 4 years to pass because I feel that my choices are right and her choices are wrong. As much as I want to teach my children the best lessons in life, I also have to open my heart and mind to learn from them as well. I will give my daughter the space she needs but not close the door to my love, my support and my friendship. I will let her experience the life she wants to live and be there if she needs to talk. I don’t intend to become a doormat, taking abuse and demands for financial support. But I will be kind to her; I will show her love and compassion. As someone experienced in the life she is choosing, I know that she will need those in spades.
I hope that in time, my daughter will also find peace and fulfillment in her life. She is lost, looking for her place in life. She is testing boundaries, looking for answers and trying to experience life in hyper speed. While I may feel that she will regret her decision to leave high school, I will be there for her and will always be willing to help her get back on track.
Change is defined as the ability to transform or convert, to become different or altered, to pass gradually into. As my family dynamic changes, transforms into what it has always meant to be, I have to accept that my children have grown up. The acceptance of change in my life and in the lives of my children is vital to the success of our family. As my children begin lives of their own, I can begin to appreciate them as the young adults they are. I can appreciate my son with his wonderful sense of humour and generous heart and my daughter’s take-charge attitude and winning charm. I will miss my babies, my little children, even miss the teenage monsters they became later in life, but I know now that change could be what’s best for everyone. It might be hard to let go but this change in our lives could open the door to some new opportunities for all of us.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
